i recently received an email from a ucla premed asking for advice on taking a year off before med school; after a couple days of thought, here's the essence of wat i replied:
"This is my year off in a nutshell: I worked in the "real world", went to South America and experienced beauty and culture that recolored my day-to-day perspective and expanded my awareness of human suffering and heroism, spent quality time with my family, and did some personal exploration (pursued other interests, like art, and learned some new things about myself), and in the end, I realized that I was more ready than ever to start medical school. So now I'm back studying, taking medically-related courses, and doing everything medicine-related, just like before, because there's nothing I want to do more. This may mean different things to you--that the time was worthwhile for its insights, or that perhaps, in the end, you're back where you started except a year behind in making your dearest goals come true. A whole year will never be fruitless if you give your best and recognize the worth of your experiences, whether you are taking a tryst in acting or studying pathology. Personally, I wish someone had shared this thought with me earlier: if you know that medicine is what you want to do and it makes you happy, then don't waste time and don't get sidetracked. Dedicate everything you have to making it happen."
i sincerely do wish i had been smarter about acquiring my goals--not deluded myself into believing it wasn't just a numbers game first and foremost and had that acceptance in my pocket before exploring other aspects of my life. but at this moment, this very second, i wonder if there isn't some grand design, a god even, that guides our paths with some purposeful design, and put me on this path at this time.
there are moments when i am so moved by the elegant beauty of life that my heart aches and i'm moved to tears. seeing rodin's l'orpheline, climbing over a hill to be suddenly struck with the magnificence of the ocean, and what this entry will be about. f*cking cheesy i kno, but i've come to terms with my sentimental gushing. the last time i experienced such a paramount shift in my life perspective was when i had renounced the existence of a god and had to restructure my world to reflect a world without some omniscient omnipotent deliberate guiding power. funny how this milestone may in many ways push my contrary to the conclusions of the that last one. ah life.
haha, with all this fanfare, you'd think i'd discovered the meaning to life or something. but i suppose, for this 5'5.5" (the 1/2 inch counts!) 23-year old korean american female, it has a distantly related equivalence. the story:
at an emotionally trying and intense moment, i ended things with anobel (already mentioned this before). he wasn't there for me and i needed someone who'd be there. the next 48 hours, i mentally reviewed the evolution of my heart this past year and my enigmatic, discouraging, and later, neurotic, responses to his fairly simple and honest interest in me. i realized the root (actually, this may be too ambitious a claim, perhaps, just acknowledged the practice) of my games, reticence, insecurities, neediness, and this allowed me to refocus on, to SEE, what a great person he was, is, and that i didn't want to lose his presence in my life.
for the first time in my life, i found myself wanting to see through the possibilities of a relationship enough so that i was moved to put down my protective walls, suppress my outraged pride, and ask for another chance. not hint at it, or try to solicit it, but straight up ask, "will you take me back?"
ha, and i'm still a little mystified and ponderous about the circumstances surrounding the event (which will be described)--the insuppressable superstitious side in me says there's some significance, and thus the previous "grand design" deviations. newayz, that day, ever so fortunately, the very supportive, loving, intelligent and rational seb came up to spend a QT day with me. we went to the crepevine on irving near ano's to eat, chat, and (not really) study.
i hate to deviate too much but i can't resist (plus it's distantly related in that we should never cease to carpe diem): the place has great ambience, and thoughtful, inviting design. i think that's wat i love so much about sf interiors--they reflect the unique love and attention of someone who has momentarily invested their energies into creating something; they reflect a sincere and personal investment like i would practice in decorating my room or furnishing my home. newayz, good crepes and learned that mascarpone is a french dessert cheese that tastes a lot like liquid cream cheese. one of the cleanest menu signs i've seen; took a shot of the artist's claim to fame:
and an awesome shot of sebyul, the sign, and (this is why it's awesome) if you look closely you'll notice a bystander admiring her beauty. classic.
after dinner, seb gave me leave to have my talk with ano and i walked over to his place in brisk but clear sf weather. it had been clear all day after a week of tumultuous, wet weather--very characteristic of sf: rainy, then clear and warm, then rainy again. i reached his place, we small talked a bit, then i sat down in front of his window to have the talk, and he across from me, and the moment i opened my mouth and started to speak, a flash of lightning went off behind me. (!)ano jumped up and we both inspected the sudden thunder and lightning, made some jokes about the timing, and resumed our talk.
it was frightening to venture into new territory; to tell someone he brings something valuable to your life and that you don't want to lose that, especially knowing that he had already relinquished you and would most likely turn you down; to bare my heart and be honest to those feelings and to him, regardless of whether or not he returned those feelings or not. it was hard, but so freeing and fulfilling. i was fortunate that it was with ano, who was honest, straightforward, and gentle when he effectively said no.
and wat would normally solicit feelings of sadness, disappointment, bitterness, frustration, actually helped my heart to grow in generosity and love i didn't know it was capable of. and this brought a feeling of utter appreciation for these new emotions and actions--to love someone for just being and to acknowledge and express that love regardless of the circumstances, present or looming, and want to be a better person (overcome all of the fears and insecurities and bad habits) so i could share only the best with him. of course, there is a part of my heart that aches because he no longer wanted my love, but the fact that i tried my best and was honest (and stay honest), gives me a sense of peace and closure that makes me grateful for this entire experience. i felt light and renewed and hopeful afterwards about life and love.
our talk lasted a little over half an hour, and when i got up to leave, the rain, lightning and thunder ceased (!!) and my walk back to seb and the crepevine was in weather as clear and dry as it had been on my walk to ano's. heh, i kno this is so silly, but i feel like after this incident, my heart will always be irrevocably tied to sf for the coincidental "sympathy"--tony bennett, u sang it so well. i'm grateful ano was so self-aware and honest and considerate, grateful i didn't have to suffer bad weather before or after, and more grateful because i not only a had good friend but an amazing person to return to rite after and help me towards accomplishing all of this perspective. (!!!) seb and i grabbed dessert, continued our inquiries into love and life and many other topics, and then called it a night.
we get back to my apartment and wat fantastic sight awaits our subsequent amazement and incredulity? SNOW on the streets and lawns of SF! i lie not and have proof thanks to the quick thinking of seb:
a quick check online for breaking sf news confirmed that it was indeed snow and not hail. so the storm during my talk with ano not only brought thunder, lightning, and rain to the city, but SNOW as well. (!!!!!) talk about coincidence and superstition-eliciting phenomenon. on an even sillier superstition-derived tangential factoid (i use such weird descriptors), reflecting on the day's events in my journal, i realized all of this occured on the birthday of the person involved in my last heartbreak. life, u are a comedian with flippant humor.
seb slept over, we traded music and thoughts on relativism and the nature of truth, slept in past noon, and then headed out to a cafe in the mission where we studied, sipped french pressed coffee, indulged in a vegan chocolate sherry cake, a 7-layer bar, and a chocolate and nut biscotti (indulgence can be so great), and sporadically continued our rambling dialogues on life, etc.
ritual roasters--buzzing with attractive, "raw" sf-ers and decorated with thought-provoking artwork, although, sadly, without a bathroom that merited inclusion to my "cool sf bathrooms" picture collection.
newayz, the last 48 hours have been an amazing and life-altering 48 hours of growth and inquiry and JOY. the confluence of factors allowed me to have such a happy and constructive 2 days--having the excellent kind of friend seb is HERE during this time, the great coffee and chocolate :p, and experiencing all of this through a person like ano. and this whole week--so grateful for the friends and people who were there for me and gave me amazingly wise insight, katieDA, future pastor park jd, erritch, schpono, and my extended self overseas, L. hence my appreciation of life's beauty and ponderance of the possibility of the mystical and magical b/c everything came together so perfectly to allow me this lesson.
and i was so taken by it all that i had to log this event in this semi-public, and therefore sharing, forum. and because in part, i feel like i'm trying to redeem myself from all of the inhibitions and discouraging, and in part, because of my newfound generous heart, i felt compelled to chronicle the following (even tho he'll never see this):
why i love ano simply as a person:
because he..
has a mini assyrian flag dangling from his rearview car mirror,
spent his senior year of high school refurbishing a car with his father instead of revelling in senioritis and still drives it,
responds with a detailed text of how he just came out of suture lab and an enthusiastic "i'm great but would be better if i were hanging out with you" to a simple "how's life" text when i was reaching out for friendly company in a new city,
travelled around the u.s. to visit all of the baseball stadiums during baseball season,
went around nyc asking people "what was the funnest thing that you did last?" and actually checked out their responses,
says "you're beautiful" with such generosity and unabashedness,
listens to music he researches and truly appreciates, and ACTUALLY does listen to a little bit of everything--the klazz brothers, andy bey, katie melua, radiohead, country, latin, assyrian, todos,
dances with ZERO OUNCE OF SHAME (i don't think i've ever enjoyed dancing with someone as much, or been more amazed at how completely he revelled in the activity),
went to the five and dime store to buy felt to place underneath the orchid i'd bought him the day after i'd bought it for him,
immediately determined the days he'd water it (mon & thur) when i told him it had to be done twice a week,
repeated the name of the orchid in singsong randomly to memorize it,
was so excited when two of the buds bloomed and shared the fact with me twice,
reads and collects books with a passion, from books on art collections to divey pubs, by steinbeck to contemporary vonnegut and murakami, latin dictionaries to assyrian histories, short literary pieces to textbooks--all of which he will pull out if triggered by some idea and energetically show or explain something interesting and relevant,
underlines goethe and reads those lines to you with such passionate concordance,
so candidly seeks your approval and happiness while never compromising his integrity,
so candidly and honestly lives out his happiness defined by his own parameters, like wishing he hadn't missed the pillow fight in the middle of union square and reasserting how kuL it would've been when i expressed it was a little weird,
has a vepsa :),
lights up from head to toe when you smile and tell him what a wonderful time you had with him,
would rather hurt his own pride than hurt you, ever,
spends all day and all night keeping his friend company in the hospital after his friend is diagnosed with cancer,
spends all day helping a classmate move out of the apartment that classmate shared with a brother who just passed away,
otherwise spends his days doing 12 hour study sessions, and spends every other free moment he has with you,
eats every last piece of food you cook for him even though it's not very good,
runs out in the cold to pick up a movie you mention you've always wanted to watch, or dinner for both of you, while he gives you his desk and light to study,
has a name that reflects his culture, his blood lineage, and his land and understands every part of it,
wants to be a doctor because it's (these are his exact words) SO COOL and makes it so apparent that his fascination with it is sincere,
possesses an attention to excellence that knows no limits--will burn a cd of acoustically varied music, take it to stores he has researched ahead of time all over the bay area, and sit there and assess the performance of each speaker set using his cd, before he purchases only the best,
said without hesitation "let's go" when i mentioned a singer i heard was going to perform in town,
immediately offered the time he'd come by and pick me up for the show,
came with memorized directions and plans to stop for drinks by a restaurant near the theatre before the show,
closed his eyes and listened to the performance when i asked him to with a sincere effort to enjoy what i was enjoying,
still speaks of his father with the deference of a kid who thinks his dad is superman and humbly says if he could be even a fraction like his father he would be proud of the way he turned out,
revealed the kind of discipline, dedication, focus and passion the best takes and the study of medicine requires,
arranges his clothes by type and color (just like me) and is proud of the fact that he loves to iron,
pulls out books, notes and tests from his past immunology classes to help me study for my current immuno class without my asking,
responded, with well-thought out reasons, why carbon is his favorite when i asked him what his favorite natural element was (i was talking about weather and sf, and i could not stop laughing and being amazed at his interpretation and ready response) and that he had actually pondered this on his own before,
will break into a sprint to come between a runaway shopping cart and an anonymous person's car,
sings happy birthday for his friend the loudest (and most off key) in the group,
was responsible and mature with my heart, being honest with what he could handle and offer,
kept giving and giving no matter how i had pushed him away or hurt him,
reinstilled my faith in dreaming and living LARGELY,
showed me what it is to love generously and express it wholeheartedly, think and live without limitations or meeting other's standard or expectations, and pursue and give only the best.
in the words of a seneca greeting:
Anobel, thank you for being.
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