frustration. i can't figure out who the singer is of my favorite version of my funny valentine. it's not tony, or chet, not frank, or the females..... and then a google search reveals i have a lot of sifting to do:

My Funny Valentine by Mitzi Green (1936)
My Funny Valentine by Gerry Mulligan Quartet featuring Chet Baker (1952)
My Funny Valentine by Julius LaRosa (1953)
My Funny Valentine by Chet Baker (1954)
My Funny Valentine by Chet Baker Quartet (1954)
My Funny Valentine by Frank Sinatra (January 1954)
My Funny Valentine by George Wright (1956)
My Funny Valentine by Ella Fitzgerald (1956)
My Funny Valentine by Bobby Timmons (1960)
My Funny Valentine by Los Admiradores (1960)
My Funny Valentine by Tony Bennett (1961)
My Funny Valentine by Marvin Gaye (June 1961)
My Funny Valentine by Billy Stewart (1965)
My Funny Valentine by Joe Dassin (1967)
My Funny Valentine by Kai Winding & J.J. Johnson (1968)
My Funny Valentine by Petula Clark (1969)
My Funny Valentine by Merl Saunders, Jerry Garcia, John Kahn & Bill Vitt (1973)
My Funny Valentine by Elvis Costello & The Attractions (February 2, 1979)
My Funny Valentine by Red Garland (1982)
My Funny Valentine by Rickie Lee Jones (1983)
My Funny Valentine by Madeline Vergari (June 26, 1984)
My Funny Valentine by Linda Ronstadt (February 1986)
My Funny Valentine by Merl Saunders (1988)
My Funny Valentine by Anita Baker (1994)
My Funny Valentine by Kevin Mahogany (1995)
My Funny Valentine by Chaka Khan (November 28, 1995)
My Funny Valentine by King Perkoff Band (1999)
My Funny Valentine by Matt Damon & The Guy Barker International Quintet (November 23, 1999)
My Funny Valentine by Victoria Williams (2002)
My Funny Valentine by The Daniel Lapp Quartet (2003)
My Funny Valentine by Tom Barman & Guy Van Nueten (November 21, 2003)
My Funny Valentine written by (May 17, 2005)
My Funny Valentine by Rod Stewart (October 18, 2005)

fishing

teesakim (10:38:02 AM): fricken men
teesakim (10:38:05 AM): why are they so blah?
sweet MeL MeL 72 (10:38:11 AM): seriously
sweet MeL MeL 72 (10:38:17 AM): i need to meet a good guy
sweet MeL MeL 72 (10:38:18 AM): but where
sweet MeL MeL 72 (10:38:19 AM): nowhere
teesakim (10:41:52 AM): ahaha
teesakim (10:41:56 AM): that sounded so sad
teesakim (10:42:02 AM): nowhere.
sweet MeL MeL 72 (10:42:10 AM): haha
teesakim (10:42:17 AM): they're out there :)
teesakim (10:42:20 AM): mebbe la ;)
sweet MeL MeL 72 (10:42:28 AM): ok lets go find them
teesakim (10:43:23 AM): lol
teesakim (10:43:26 AM): fishing!
teesakim (10:43:29 AM): i like fishing
sweet MeL MeL 72 (10:44:12 AM): hahaha
sweet MeL MeL 72 (10:44:17 AM): fish for them
teesakim (10:53:47 AM): but u hafto be in the rite body of water
teesakim (10:53:54 AM): you don't wanna be in some stinky marsh water
teesakim (10:53:58 AM): or they'll be smelly
teesakim (10:54:12 AM): and you don't wanna be in the ocean, cuz u could catch anything
teesakim (10:54:14 AM): like a shark
sweet MeL MeL 72 (10:54:17 AM): puahhahahahaha
sweet MeL MeL 72 (10:54:25 AM): true
sweet MeL MeL 72 (10:54:26 AM): haha
teesakim (10:54:31 AM): ehehe
teesakim (10:54:41 AM): i wanna nice fresh water trout or something
teesakim (10:54:46 AM): a pretty one
teesakim (10:54:46 AM): ehehe
teesakim (10:54:53 AM): a yummy one
sweet MeL MeL 72 (10:55:26 AM): a very yummy one
sweet MeL MeL 72 (10:55:30 AM): nice n strong
teesakim (10:56:56 AM): lol
teesakim (10:57:08 AM): we're talking about fish of course
sweet MeL MeL 72 (10:57:20 AM): duh
teesakim (10:57:24 AM): ahahaha
sweet MeL MeL 72 (10:57:35 AM): hahaha
teesakim (10:57:35 AM): and while we're at it, i like my fish to be funny
sweet MeL MeL 72 (10:57:47 AM): i wanna cuddle w/ my fish
sweet MeL MeL 72 (10:57:49 AM): cuttlefish!
teesakim (10:57:53 AM): puaHAhahHAHAHAHA
sweet MeL MeL 72 (10:58:16 AM): mm yum
teesakim (10:58:18 AM): fishy lips are a big NONO tho
teesakim (10:58:26 AM): haha
teesakim (10:58:28 AM): yum indeed
sweet MeL MeL 72 (10:59:24 AM): juicy lips
teesakim (10:59:38 AM): and a big tail
sweet MeL MeL 72 (10:59:58 AM): hahaah
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:00:00 AM): heck yeah
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:00:02 AM): HUGE tail
teesakim (11:00:11 AM): puahaha
teesakim (11:00:13 AM): damn mel
teesakim (11:00:21 AM): i didn't knO........
teesakim (11:00:29 AM): ehehe
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:00:38 AM): ahahha
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:00:41 AM): this is funny
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:00:42 AM): look at us
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:00:44 AM): fish
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:00:50 AM): ok
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:00:53 AM): were gonna go fishing
teesakim (11:01:09 AM): lol
teesakim (11:01:14 AM): yup, jus plain ol fishing
teesakim (11:01:21 AM): wat r u taking for bait?
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:01:41 AM): i dont need bait
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:01:46 AM): i can cath em w/o it
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:01:48 AM): hahaha
teesakim (11:02:48 AM): lol
teesakim (11:02:50 AM): just wink
teesakim (11:03:13 AM): we can stand in the boat and shake our bootays
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:03:27 AM): wiggle wiggle
teesakim (11:04:00 AM): sploosh thump sploosh thump
teesakim (11:04:06 AM): that's the fishies jumping into the boat
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:04:21 AM): hahahahaha
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:04:32 AM): and begging for us to pick them
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:04:43 AM): kissing our feet
teesakim (11:04:52 AM): with their juicy fish lips
teesakim (11:04:54 AM): puahaha
teesakim (11:04:56 AM): oK
teesakim (11:05:01 AM): we're officially weird
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:05:06 AM): hahahahaha
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:05:09 AM): all good
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:05:14 AM): thats why were so cute
teesakim (11:06:10 AM): hear hear
teesakim (11:06:25 AM): none of that canned fish for us
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:06:35 AM): ew no way
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:06:41 AM): we want the fresh ones
teesakim (11:06:50 AM): fresha nd wild
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:07:07 AM): haha
teesakim (11:07:36 AM): ehehe
teesakim (11:07:40 AM): i suck at fishing
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:07:52 AM): i always catch the bad ones
teesakim (11:08:00 AM): lol
teesakim (11:08:07 AM): i always get the little ones
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:08:33 AM): i get the psychotic one
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:08:35 AM): ones
teesakim (11:08:39 AM): puahahaha
teesakim (11:08:59 AM): and it takes forever
teesakim (11:09:02 AM): sitting and waiting
teesakim (11:09:05 AM): sitting and waiting
teesakim (11:09:29 AM): and when they bite, you gotta reel it in just rite or you lose it
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:09:47 AM): yeup
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:09:48 AM): cant mess up
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:09:52 AM): or they go byebye
teesakim (11:11:13 AM): haha
teesakim (11:11:16 AM): this is depressing
teesakim (11:11:24 AM): let's just give up fish
teesakim (11:11:32 AM): and go dancing ^_______^
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:12:48 AM): yay
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:13:04 AM): we'll swim...and wait for the fish to swim w/ us
teesakim (11:14:40 AM): lol
teesakim (11:14:42 AM): brilliant
teesakim (11:15:04 AM): and when the big kahuna comes
teesakim (11:15:10 AM): we'll ride away in the sunset
teesakim (11:15:19 AM): puahaha
teesakim (11:15:23 AM): we should write a book
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:15:25 AM): oooo
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:15:27 AM): dood i know
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:15:31 AM): how to catch fish
teesakim (11:16:28 AM): lol, well, according to us, you don't, you just ride them
sweet MeL MeL 72 (11:16:40 AM): HAHAAHAH

grim forecasts of rain broadcasted all last week, and i lamented "sf please stop raining" T___T, and san francisco was beautifully sunny and warm all weekend :D. yes, i'm a self-absorbed weirdo who thinks maybe not the world, but sf revolves around her. or at least luvs her back. i <3 u, sf!

heh. and on the lighter side.. i stole this one b/c i've thought about this more than once. especially when heath hottie was on the cover and the thing was in our apt lobby day after day after day... 

http://postsecret.blogspot.com. secrets, secrets, secrets. i stole this one b/c of the "korean-american" part, and maybe b/c altho my parents wouldn't stop speaking to me, there's more than one way to love someone less. 

wow. finally saw crash and felt SO good after. that sounds wrong. good as in appreciative for the artistic skill that captured present day racism so honestly, compassionately, and captivatingly. this was the first movie in a looong time where my eyes were glued [like don't bug me unless the building is burning down and the fire has reached my room and is about to mess up the tv and catch on my clothes, glued] the whole hour and somethin of the movie. and this scene right here. my heart wrenched. filmography gold. 

i just realized that my two of my most treasured and trusted girlfriends from highschool who i divulged almost every bit of my adolescent neuroses and idealism to are both in different time zones from me. hmm... self-depricating jokes aside, i wonder what they went searching for so far? i wonder if they found what they sought. i wonder if they're happy and fulfilled. i wonder if they'll come back home.

in fact, all of my homegirls are paving their ways: daisy in the ny time zone making her mark in the finance world deftly managing the many reins in her hands, lynn in seoul searching for her soul? (i couldn't resist) and breaking some hearts in the process i'm sure, elle doin the hawvuhd law thang and blossoming from a pretty teen to a beautiful woman, miss polly soon leaving for l'afrique w/ her (future husband) chris, jenn in la flexing her creative and feminine powers, jenna doin the asian business thang, joyce at the crux deciding where to take her writing gift, and then there's me. eight gerls turning women, seeking out greatness, excitement, safety, truth, purpose, inspiration, love, in toto or in parts to varying degrees. whatever they may be seeking, i hope the core of that search will lead them to answers or happiness, or both.

growing up i remember i'd often get asked who my heroes were. typical grade school class writing assignments, and so on. i never had any i could point to in the world. the closest thing to a hero in my life was my dad, all the way thru high school he was the only one i could point to as a true hero in my life. even now, and forevermore, he'll be the most personal hero i know. but to refocus on the essay prompt (college teached me good) the derth of heroes during my adolescence seems to have been filled with an abundance of unintended do-gooders, who i'm very relieved to say are my current "heroes." altho, we share a name, mother teresa was faar too saintly for me to even attempt to emulate, but luckily, now there are plenty of exemplary models of people balancing self-gratification with global-gratification. they're making a difference, but they're transparently human, and yet superhuman in their characters. bill gates, bono, angelina jolie, gavin newsom, marjorie kagawa-singer, professor phelan, katiedawg--men and women who push their personal limits to what they can reasonably manage and accomplish, while not forgetting to nourish and celebrate their own lives. that's intelligence. arguably wisdom.

wat's so great about these people is that they never set out to save the world, but with awareness found themselves inextricably tangled in the world's sufferings and felt compelled to contribute what they could. in their unassuming ways, they are producing global waves of change, or at least inspiring someone somewhere. in this case, this young woman in san fran.

so look around. there do exist people who have accepted their human fragility and limitations, while maximizing on human will and resourcefulness, balancing the constraints of societal expectations with the ideations of our imaginations and dreams. or just grapple with finding this balance each day, and find the courage and strength and hope to forge on, and not become broken, not to turn cold, cruel, bitter, depressed, indifferent, cynical, spectatorial, reclusive, or defeated. we all have these moments, but the beauty lies in the moment we decide to forge on. life is life. just gotta make the best of it.

two years from now, i may look back on this entry and chuckle at my naivety. in fact, given my track record, there's a 90% chance. but sometimes i hit gold and the lesson stays deeply embedded regardless of the seasons, so for that 10% i will continue to make a public fool of myself. but while i'm still on this, i stole a nice lil ditty from elle's away message which i thought did a nice job of capturing the ultimate elusiveness of absolute truth, all the while possessing the important relevant truths right in our... mouths. i kno i totally twisted it for my own truth, but that just comes with the hazards of art. it pulled me in at first because it seemed to capture the dark side of my recent love obsessions, but on continued thought, i decided this wasn't it. i like onion juice. i like onions. i like the miraculously perfect imperfect form of each layer, and the distinguishable consistency. i like cutting onions [haha, by self-admission, i'm invalidating my whole analysis i think]. i assert it's far more relevant to the whole truth metaphor, but i'll let you decide what you will for your relevance:

Monologue for an Onion, by Suji Kwock Kim [excerpt]

I don't mean to make you cry.
I mean nothing, but this has not kept you
From peeling away my body, layer by layer,

The tears clouding your eyes as the table fills
With husks, cut flesh, all the debris of pursuit.
Poor deluded human: you seek my heart.

Hunt all you want. Beneath each skin of mine
Lies another skin: I am pure onion--pure union
Of outside and in, surface and secret core.

Look at you, chopping and weeping. Idiot.
Is this the way you go through life, your mind
A stopless knife, driven by your fantasy of truth,

You must not grieve that the world is glimpsed
Through veils. How else can it be seen?
How will you rip away the veil of the eye, the veil
That you are, you who want to grasp the heart
Of things, hungry to know where meaning
Lies. Taste what you hold in your hands: onion-juice...


SO. related [i promise], i've decided to find my non-negotiables. full-fledged relativity makes you as incontinent as the wind and as impressionable as a newborn. can't have that now. i need a core that no one can dispute the existence of, that can be the foundation for my actions. still working them out, probably an eternal work in progress, but once i get the first REAL ABSOLUTE TOTALLY NON-NEGOTIABLE value/belief, i will share [reminds me of some barney-esque line like "sharing time is caring time!"].

i believe in my very circuitous and cryptic way, i've addressessed wat i said i would address last time, and if i haven't i'll touch upon it in the future if compelled to do so.

before i leave. why "my funny valentine" is such a women's song, even though my favorite version is sung by ???????? [his voice is so f-ng hot]. many women, and not to any detriment, are carefree, joyful people, on the surface. in public, they joke, they laugh, they forgive and conceal the minor flaws of others, they do so much to hide the (minor) flaws of their own, they produce endless hours of chatter on the seemingly frivolous: clothes, food, shoes, gossip, shopping, shopping, shopping, and are forever trying to keep things light and happy. when in love, this practice of carefee/careless vivre carries over. the smiles, the bounce, but underneath, all of her intelligence, wisdom, sorrows, true joys, depth, her true beauty. herein lies my appreciation of the simple, unprofound lyrics of "my funny v." coupled with a snaphappy beatles jingle, it could be a very sweet, cutesy, but fairly superficial, no-brainer song. all that female chatter--cute, but tiring after a while eh. but couple that with the yinyang, soul-stirring, almost raw melancholy power of the melody, and you've got something priceless.

par exemple, my mom. for all her endless nagging and chatter, her easy smiles, laughter, bursts of dance and joy, overflowing generosity and desire to do good, her heart holds the weight of the world. so heavy, i wonder how she manages to keep it from falling from its place in her fragile chest. and all of this, for the deep fathomless love of one man. priceless.

Happy 24th to my favorite weirdO!! ;) love you like my own--heck, in my book, yur blood. come back home safe and happy and soon. i feel so incomplete without my butt buddy. why are you so kuL? stop being so kuL so i can function properly without you! HAVE AN AWESOME 24th EH? luv to luv YA. LUVLUVLUVyU. 

i forgot one: heroes. [to be cont'd]

i've been storing up a bunch of stuff i wanted to blog about once i got the chance, but i've re-adopted my granny bedtime curfew so sleep looms. but b/c i have been sorely missing my favorite melodramatic saggy-assed counterpart overseas, i will give her 30 more minutes before i turn out the lights, and in the meantime, give a taste of the garrulousness to come.

wut a week.

i realize that we ultimately know shit. neitzche and astro 3 did a good job of pounding in that one. sometimes life seems to be 50% convincing yourself, and 50% dealing with it. but life without beliefs is not living. IT SUCKS.
[to be cont'd]

related: i keep saying shit and then changing my mind. since i was born. sky is blue, then pink, then green (metaphor, metaphor), and now it's snowing in sf. need i say more? but i will.
[to be cont'd]

and the much-awaited VERY misinterpreted miss L signs on. there's a story behind that VERY.
[to be cont'd]

the bias of your personal experiences can give music a whole new meaning:
miles davis, katie melua, sad movie ost, corinne bailey rae, rhett miller, madame peyroux, imogen heap. recommended for the lovelorn.

i love norcal people. i love sf, but would love it better if it stopped raining.
i love to love. i am still a little girl. time to grow up.

my camera died last week so before i forget: platanos, grx, kat & jo, hrm. i guess that's it. b/w trying to get my work done and trying to extrude myself from obsessive thoughts, i've had very lil time for anything else. basically i got nothing done.
[also to be cont'd if i don't get lazy]

was recently stimulated to ponder why "my funny valentine" is my favorite jazz song. used to drive jenn mad playing it over and over and over and over. and then she made me a cd titled "my funny teesatine" :). how's that for kuLness factor.
[to be cont'd hopefully]

waAY past my 30 minute limit. no discipline. this is why i should go to bootcamp.

another nite, another day, life funny life, you, and me. :]

another milestone [this is going to be a LONNNG post]

i recently received an email from a ucla premed asking for advice on taking a year off before med school; after a couple days of thought, here's the essence of wat i replied:

"This is my year off in a nutshell: I worked in the "real world", went to South America and experienced beauty and culture that recolored my day-to-day perspective and expanded my awareness of human suffering and heroism, spent quality time with my family, and did some personal exploration (pursued other interests, like art, and learned some new things about myself), and in the end, I realized that I was more ready than ever to start medical school. So now I'm back studying, taking medically-related courses, and doing everything medicine-related, just like before, because there's nothing I want to do more. This may mean different things to you--that the time was worthwhile for its insights, or that perhaps, in the end, you're back where you started except a year behind in making your dearest goals come true. A whole year will never be fruitless if you give your best and recognize the worth of your experiences, whether you are taking a tryst in acting or studying pathology. Personally, I wish someone had shared this thought with me earlier: if you know that medicine is what you want to do and it makes you happy, then don't waste time and don't get sidetracked. Dedicate everything you have to making it happen."

i sincerely do wish i had been smarter about acquiring my goals--not deluded myself into believing it wasn't just a numbers game first and foremost and had that acceptance in my pocket before exploring other aspects of my life. but at this moment, this very second, i wonder if there isn't some grand design, a god even, that guides our paths with some purposeful design, and put me on this path at this time.

there are moments when i am so moved by the elegant beauty of life that my heart aches and i'm moved to tears. seeing rodin's l'orpheline, climbing over a hill to be suddenly struck with the magnificence of the ocean, and what this entry will be about. f*cking cheesy i kno, but i've come to terms with my sentimental gushing. the last time i experienced such a paramount shift in my life perspective was when i had renounced the existence of a god and had to restructure my world to reflect a world without some omniscient omnipotent deliberate guiding power. funny how this milestone may in many ways push my contrary to the conclusions of the that last one. ah life.

haha, with all this fanfare, you'd think i'd discovered the meaning to life or something. but i suppose, for this 5'5.5" (the 1/2 inch counts!) 23-year old korean american female, it has a distantly related equivalence. the story:

at an emotionally trying and intense moment, i ended things with anobel (already mentioned this before). he wasn't there for me and i needed someone who'd be there. the next 48 hours, i mentally reviewed the evolution of my heart this past year and my enigmatic, discouraging, and later, neurotic, responses to his fairly simple and honest interest in me. i realized the root (actually, this may be too ambitious a claim, perhaps, just acknowledged the practice) of my games, reticence, insecurities, neediness, and this allowed me to refocus on, to SEE, what a great person he was, is, and that i didn't want to lose his presence in my life.

for the first time in my life, i found myself wanting to see through the possibilities of a relationship enough so that i was moved to put down my protective walls, suppress my outraged pride, and ask for another chance. not hint at it, or try to solicit it, but straight up ask, "will you take me back?"

ha, and i'm still a little mystified and ponderous about the circumstances surrounding the event (which will be described)--the insuppressable superstitious side in me says there's some significance, and thus the previous "grand design" deviations. newayz, that day, ever so fortunately, the very supportive, loving, intelligent and rational seb came up to spend a QT day with me. we went to the crepevine on irving near ano's to eat, chat, and (not really) study.

i hate to deviate too much but i can't resist (plus it's distantly related in that we should never cease to carpe diem): the place has great ambience, and thoughtful, inviting design. i think that's wat i love so much about sf interiors--they reflect the unique love and attention of someone who has momentarily invested their energies into creating something; they reflect a sincere and personal investment like i would practice in decorating my room or furnishing my home. newayz, good crepes and learned that mascarpone is a french dessert cheese that tastes a lot like liquid cream cheese. one of the cleanest menu signs i've seen; took a shot of the artist's claim to fame:



and an awesome shot of sebyul, the sign, and (this is why it's awesome) if you look closely you'll notice a bystander admiring her beauty. classic.



after dinner, seb gave me leave to have my talk with ano and i walked over to his place in brisk but clear sf weather. it had been clear all day after a week of tumultuous, wet weather--very characteristic of sf: rainy, then clear and warm, then rainy again. i reached his place, we small talked a bit, then i sat down in front of his window to have the talk, and he across from me, and the moment i opened my mouth and started to speak, a flash of lightning went off behind me. (!)ano jumped up and we both inspected the sudden thunder and lightning, made some jokes about the timing, and resumed our talk.

it was frightening to venture into new territory; to tell someone he brings something valuable to your life and that you don't want to lose that, especially knowing that he had already relinquished you and would most likely turn you down; to bare my heart and be honest to those feelings and to him, regardless of whether or not he returned those feelings or not. it was hard, but so freeing and fulfilling. i was fortunate that it was with ano, who was honest, straightforward, and gentle when he effectively said no.

and wat would normally solicit feelings of sadness, disappointment, bitterness, frustration, actually helped my heart to grow in generosity and love i didn't know it was capable of. and this brought a feeling of utter appreciation for these new emotions and actions--to love someone for just being and to acknowledge and express that love regardless of the circumstances, present or looming, and want to be a better person (overcome all of the fears and insecurities and bad habits) so i could share only the best with him. of course, there is a part of my heart that aches because he no longer wanted my love, but the fact that i tried my best and was honest (and stay honest), gives me a sense of peace and closure that makes me grateful for this entire experience. i felt light and renewed and hopeful afterwards about life and love.

our talk lasted a little over half an hour, and when i got up to leave, the rain, lightning and thunder ceased (!!) and my walk back to seb and the crepevine was in weather as clear and dry as it had been on my walk to ano's. heh, i kno this is so silly, but i feel like after this incident, my heart will always be irrevocably tied to sf for the coincidental "sympathy"--tony bennett, u sang it so well. i'm grateful ano was so self-aware and honest and considerate, grateful i didn't have to suffer bad weather before or after, and more grateful because i not only a had good friend but an amazing person to return to rite after and help me towards accomplishing all of this perspective. (!!!) seb and i grabbed dessert, continued our inquiries into love and life and many other topics, and then called it a night.

we get back to my apartment and wat fantastic sight awaits our subsequent amazement and incredulity? SNOW on the streets and lawns of SF! i lie not and have proof thanks to the quick thinking of seb:



a quick check online for breaking sf news confirmed that it was indeed snow and not hail. so the storm during my talk with ano not only brought thunder, lightning, and rain to the city, but SNOW as well. (!!!!!) talk about coincidence and superstition-eliciting phenomenon. on an even sillier superstition-derived tangential factoid (i use such weird descriptors), reflecting on the day's events in my journal, i realized all of this occured on the birthday of the person involved in my last heartbreak. life, u are a comedian with flippant humor.

seb slept over, we traded music and thoughts on relativism and the nature of truth, slept in past noon, and then headed out to a cafe in the mission where we studied, sipped french pressed coffee, indulged in a vegan chocolate sherry cake, a 7-layer bar, and a chocolate and nut biscotti (indulgence can be so great), and sporadically continued our rambling dialogues on life, etc.



ritual roasters--buzzing with attractive, "raw" sf-ers and decorated with thought-provoking artwork, although, sadly, without a bathroom that merited inclusion to my "cool sf bathrooms" picture collection.

newayz, the last 48 hours have been an amazing and life-altering 48 hours of growth and inquiry and JOY. the confluence of factors allowed me to have such a happy and constructive 2 days--having the excellent kind of friend seb is HERE during this time, the great coffee and chocolate :p, and experiencing all of this through a person like ano. and this whole week--so grateful for the friends and people who were there for me and gave me amazingly wise insight, katieDA, future pastor park jd, erritch, schpono, and my extended self overseas, L. hence my appreciation of life's beauty and ponderance of the possibility of the mystical and magical b/c everything came together so perfectly to allow me this lesson.

and i was so taken by it all that i had to log this event in this semi-public, and therefore sharing, forum. and because in part, i feel like i'm trying to redeem myself from all of the inhibitions and discouraging, and in part, because of my newfound generous heart, i felt compelled to chronicle the following (even tho he'll never see this):

why i love ano simply as a person:

because he..

has a mini assyrian flag dangling from his rearview car mirror,
spent his senior year of high school refurbishing a car with his father instead of revelling in senioritis and still drives it,
responds with a detailed text of how he just came out of suture lab and an enthusiastic "i'm great but would be better if i were hanging out with you" to a simple "how's life" text when i was reaching out for friendly company in a new city,
travelled around the u.s. to visit all of the baseball stadiums during baseball season,
went around nyc asking people "what was the funnest thing that you did last?" and actually checked out their responses,
says "you're beautiful" with such generosity and unabashedness,
listens to music he researches and truly appreciates, and ACTUALLY does listen to a little bit of everything--the klazz brothers, andy bey, katie melua, radiohead, country, latin, assyrian, todos,
dances with ZERO OUNCE OF SHAME (i don't think i've ever enjoyed dancing with someone as much, or been more amazed at how completely he revelled in the activity),
went to the five and dime store to buy felt to place underneath the orchid i'd bought him the day after i'd bought it for him,
immediately determined the days he'd water it (mon & thur) when i told him it had to be done twice a week,
repeated the name of the orchid in singsong randomly to memorize it,
was so excited when two of the buds bloomed and shared the fact with me twice,
reads and collects books with a passion, from books on art collections to divey pubs, by steinbeck to contemporary vonnegut and murakami, latin dictionaries to assyrian histories, short literary pieces to textbooks--all of which he will pull out if triggered by some idea and energetically show or explain something interesting and relevant,
underlines goethe and reads those lines to you with such passionate concordance,
so candidly seeks your approval and happiness while never compromising his integrity,
so candidly and honestly lives out his happiness defined by his own parameters, like wishing he hadn't missed the pillow fight in the middle of union square and reasserting how kuL it would've been when i expressed it was a little weird,
has a vepsa :),
lights up from head to toe when you smile and tell him what a wonderful time you had with him,
would rather hurt his own pride than hurt you, ever,
spends all day and all night keeping his friend company in the hospital after his friend is diagnosed with cancer,
spends all day helping a classmate move out of the apartment that classmate shared with a brother who just passed away,
otherwise spends his days doing 12 hour study sessions, and spends every other free moment he has with you,
eats every last piece of food you cook for him even though it's not very good,
runs out in the cold to pick up a movie you mention you've always wanted to watch, or dinner for both of you, while he gives you his desk and light to study,
has a name that reflects his culture, his blood lineage, and his land and understands every part of it,
wants to be a doctor because it's (these are his exact words) SO COOL and makes it so apparent that his fascination with it is sincere,
possesses an attention to excellence that knows no limits--will burn a cd of acoustically varied music, take it to stores he has researched ahead of time all over the bay area, and sit there and assess the performance of each speaker set using his cd, before he purchases only the best,
said without hesitation "let's go" when i mentioned a singer i heard was going to perform in town,
immediately offered the time he'd come by and pick me up for the show,
came with memorized directions and plans to stop for drinks by a restaurant near the theatre before the show,
closed his eyes and listened to the performance when i asked him to with a sincere effort to enjoy what i was enjoying,
still speaks of his father with the deference of a kid who thinks his dad is superman and humbly says if he could be even a fraction like his father he would be proud of the way he turned out,
revealed the kind of discipline, dedication, focus and passion the best takes and the study of medicine requires,
arranges his clothes by type and color (just like me) and is proud of the fact that he loves to iron,
pulls out books, notes and tests from his past immunology classes to help me study for my current immuno class without my asking,
responded, with well-thought out reasons, why carbon is his favorite when i asked him what his favorite natural element was (i was talking about weather and sf, and i could not stop laughing and being amazed at his interpretation and ready response) and that he had actually pondered this on his own before,
will break into a sprint to come between a runaway shopping cart and an anonymous person's car,
sings happy birthday for his friend the loudest (and most off key) in the group,

was responsible and mature with my heart, being honest with what he could handle and offer,
kept giving and giving no matter how i had pushed him away or hurt him,
reinstilled my faith in dreaming and living LARGELY,
showed me what it is to love generously and express it wholeheartedly, think and live without limitations or meeting other's standard or expectations, and pursue and give only the best.

in the words of a seneca greeting:
Anobel, thank you for being.

back to the sf lovin

pix from post-exam stress relief night w/ katie-DA and co. at "porno" bar. such great times--hanging w/ them is always a treat cuz they're SO real and so in tune with the bare essentials. life is full of such meaningless babble and circuitous activities, it's healing to see the essence of our humanity full blast every once in a while. to hate with absolute hatred, grieve with complete desolation, love with every ounce of your being, and revel in the highest of highs, instead of the tepid and diluted emotions of an untested existence. post-exam relief always brings out the philosophical side--talk about untested. :P

spent much of the weekend recuperating from all the caffeine nights, and then went at it again for my next exam. in b/w, i had to go to sf general hospital for routine bloodwork for the volunteer clinic, and it took 5 hours of waiting and shuttling to finish a simple procedure! i couldn't complain b/c i was getting free services (i'm insurance-less at the moment cuz of that whole limbo thing), so i stuck it out, but man, wat a downer. the waiting room was packed--the homeless, the working class, non-english speaking immigrants--people falling over and unable to stand, the demented, and just waiting and waiting and waiting. and the healthcare workers are scurrying around trying their best to handle the overwhelming work flow and field the complaints. obviously, it's not their fault the system is overtaxed... i hear someone say, "mayor newsom should come here and take a look before he says everything is fine." it's not his fault either, not wholly anyway, but something should be done. the only question is, how do u fix a system so foundationally flawed? will there ever be a solution to the inequality of QOL, services (rights?), and opportunities of our societies?

i was so exhausted and depressed afterwards; it scares me to think of how i'll fare when it comes to actually executing my goals of serving the underserved. i'm not sure my heart can take the overwhelming sadness i feel when i'm in midst of suffering. it's a sadness u want to overcome but can't escape for the life of you b/c suffering like that marks you irreparably, no matter how far you've come from that point in your life.

newayz, that same day i ended things with ano and hence the goofy, sentimental posts of the last couple days. the shit hits the roof all at once. it's a lil masochistic, but i like it that way. when everything is as low as it can go, you wanna deal with all the extraneous shit in yur life then cuz your priorities gauge is at its finest acuity. i'm so done with playing around. next time life takes a turn for the serious, i want someone i can count on to get serious with me and meet me on that turbulent front, full blast.

luckily, each time your heart breaks, it seems that that old addage is true. it heals faster and you're stronger and wiser (hopefully) for the breaking and mending. exams are done for the moment, and it's gonna be a fate-determining couple of weeks coming up. davis interview on the 17th and final decisions coming in. back to the books and back to the sf lovin...

i forget the name of the cafe but it's super cute and clean, on 21st and potrero (mission area). lots of natural lighting, kuL psychedelic artwork, really nice staff, and good classic jazz tunes. students do their study thang and lots of locals frequenting with their dogs (they have a free doggy biscuit jar) and babies. loved the oak-cherry-colored motif. wood is so warm and elegant. 

my favorite oaktown gangsta, katie DA. her nickname says it all--korean to english translation: IT'S KATIE (wsAP). i added that last part. ehehe... the story bottom right and clockwise: surprise kiss, my reaction, her reaction, then an obligatory "look pretty" picture. 

the aforementioned "porno" bar. affectionately named so b/c of the soft porn-like vintage posters adorning their store front. the actual name is dahn sung sa. don't kno what that means. i don't think anyone does. 

we joke about "husband stores" and the trivial pursuits of women, but ultimately, a woman wants a man, and a man a woman, who will complete that part of her, that part of him, that was made to complement the other so perfectly.

a man isn't the money or the looks or the body--a man is the spirit that naturally gets him all that and more. a woman's beauty is in her spirit, her movements, her words, her thoughts, her loves.

it's so simple--complex in its nuances--but simply beautiful and fulfilling when you succumb to it. my two cents, whatever it's worth.

if my heart broke painfully the last time, and it was excrutiating this time, will it be fatal the next?

a change of topic from my usual (i'm sure now annoying) exaltations of sf...

i am in a hypersensitive state of suspense........ waiting for one thing or the next. emails, letters, updates, calls........ it's enough to drive a gal insane. or at least obsessive in checking and re-checking her inbox, status page, etc... and overpowering enough to ignore studying for her exam in 3 days... O__o

i don't know whether i should hope for the best or prepare for the worst. so many things are hanging in the balance right now. one small push in one direction will set off an avalanche of events that could determine my life for the next couple DECades. BIG SIGH.

lalalalalalalalalife is wonderful.

so this is love....doodoOdoodoo....... ehehe. i could live here forever. FORever. i see beautiful women in their 60s and 70s biking and walking the streets of SF, emanating the spirit of youth while elegant and poised with the beauty of experience, and the casual comfort characteristic of san fran and its natural environment, and i think: i would give anything to age that beautifully, inside and out; i could live here forever. ^^;; SF is such a hub of intellectual, creative, unique, passionate, and eclectic individuals~the ocean, the park, the city, the art, the food, the music, the science, the politics, the goings on and ons~ i love it all! ^^;;

i'm still waiting for pix from people, but jus for recording sake, week 3 i went back home to sub for my old sushi restaurant b/c they were having their annual kenny rogers impersonator nite w/ free sake :D. ehehe. it was crazy busy and all the locals came out and sang live karaoke w/ kenny. erich and his buddies, and momo, april, and jasmine came out to check out... the music ;), and they all went up to sing some 80s song. brought down the house :D. ehehe.. and the guys got the whole place doin sake bombs. gOOD TIMES.

then i spent all week shopping for an orchid for bananO (and accessories for myself :P). i decided on a crazy one that i can't remember the name to right now. but it's gorgeous. sprays of delicate blooms and a nice, rich red. i will take a pic and post it next time. if he doesn't kill it before then :P. haR.

then that friday, we went here: http://carnelianroom.com/page/o9ly/Home_Page.html for ucsf's annual "formal" where all the med students get to dress up and feel pretty for a nite. absolutely killer views. coit tower looks like a blip from up there. the pix are not so flattering but amusing so i'll post once i get em :).

then wut'd i do? subbed at the SAT place i interviewed for a few weeks ago. kids were great; teaching's fuN :D. and i think they want me back this saturday. sunday had my first day of clinic training at the WCC-women's community clinic. SO AWESOME. learned a crapload about std's and safe sex stuff, AND, how to run a free clinic (one of my lifetime goals). the women who work there are so kuL and beautiful and i just had my first day of volunteering yesterday and it was neat. triage-ing patients and being on the other side of the check-in window :P.

in between, did a lot of studying cuz it's exam time rite now at sfsu. just had one today & i wanted to kick myself because i TOTALLY overstudied. the test was straightforward, but LONG as hell, and i had to scribble in my last few answers. i think the adrenaline rush + nonstop caffeine and sugar is still in my system so i'm feeling particulary craazy at the moment. SO i'm gonna go meet up my homegirl katieDA at the PORNO BAR. yes, the porno bar. ehehe.. no idear wat it is. apparently she likes to drink there and i'm always game, so porno bar it is. time to wash up and head out. happy thursday! OH!

I GOT AN INTERVIEW AT UC DAVIS!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!! it's my top choice and i am ecstatic that i'm getting a chance to go there. :D WOOWOOWOO! 03/17. please send me your positive karma vibes and all that mysterious stuff that seems to power the inexplicable miracles of life. work, another exam, more papers, presentations, THE interview~ march is a busy month. can't believe it's march alreadY. only 4 more months here? bittersweet... if i make it to med school, i'll "leave my heart in san francisco" x) but MED SCHOOL! come on! but if i don't make it... i'll have SF, but then wat? ...................

"The secret of happiness is to see all the marvels of the world, and never to forget the drops of oil on the spoon." ~the alchemist

last weeK: found my new favorite cafe ^^;; sacred grounds~ eclectic, homey decor, husband and wife establishment, locals love to frequent and stop and chat, poetry and music in the evenings, GREAT chicken curry sandwich (not so great coffee), and yet another COLORFUL SF bathroom. i got caught this time toO and i had to explain how weird i am and i how i'm collecting pix of cool sf bathrooms. O___o 

the jaaazz doods at canvas. my photography skills still sucK, sorry to say. 

SF update!! Feb 3rd week, clockwise from top left: SCHNOPATHAN was in norcal and we grabbed some yummY and interactive Pluto's salads. you get to pick out 7 toppings, choice of greens, and MEAT. =9 then seB and i put in some heavy duty studying in at CANVAS cafe :D. wat an awesome possUM place. artwork galore, live jazz, and awesome architecture & design. GREAT chocolate cakes, coffee and tea (MIGHTY LEAF! :D), not so great salad.. -__-