Fucking Fate
Turning time into a terrible weapon
Twisting around my sense of existence
Squeezing tears out of raw wounds that don’t heal
Future and past tangled up in loss
Potential, Truth ,Terror
Tears drowning my aching spirit
Fighting for breath
For hope
For justice
Suffocating under the weight of
Confusion , Denial, Betrayal
Gasping for a breath of
Acceptance
Stinging my mind
But soothing my soul
Don’t go!
Don’t go!
Don’t go!
You can’t leave now
I don’t know how
To assimilate this information
Into my day to day fucking life
Unmake this pain
That consumes my perception
Please tell me
It isn’t fate
To lose the ones you love
Before they have time to truly live.
-A.B.
We'll miss you Damon.
3.29.2007
3.21.2007
bittersweet
so this is how it ends. knowing we would never work, but wishing we could. bittersweet.
i've always known i was ocd, but i was never fully aware of how big a control freak i am. having everything fall out of my grasp, unable to really affect the circumstances in my life, losing control of my structured life... it sends me plummeting into confusion, depression, frustration, helplessness. ending up somewhere i didn't envision or expect couldn't be more jarring. i finally get why the unexpected (especially the bad or inconvenient turn of events) affects me the way it does (in horrible horrible ways)--i'm a control freak.
i like figuring out what i want from life--having a picture of the things i want to accomplish before it's all over. then, i like to check each one off, experience by experience. get a tattoo, travel to africa, sponsor a kid, own a motorcycle, etc... i HATE HATE HATE it when things happen to throw me off my grand plan.
but i find ways to cope, adapt, and keep on keepin' on. i guess i'll never learn. i like CONTROL. i LOVE control. i NEED control. but i need to learn to deal better when i lose it. take baby steps.
it's just hit me that i'll be in sacramento almost up to my thirtieth birthday. it's time for me to establish this as my home: build a list of favorite hangouts, some running spots with a view, a solid circle of friends, and the beginnings of a family and a career. my life is here, and it can't be put on hold any longer. carpe diem.
robin thicke is a delicious treat to my ears.
3.11.2007
3.08.2007
2.05.2007
Reflecting:
It’s been a long time since I last stopped and took a deep breath, and reflected. 2006 passed by in a blur—when I try to pinpoint one moment, it seems like a small drop in a massive rain of memories. Could I even remember them all if I wanted to? Or will they pop up sporadically in moments of deja vue? With everything that has happened, I feel as though I should have some tangible lessons in hand… a couple I am sure of, the rest I’m not so confident about. Being busy needs to have its limits—so much has happened, I can’t even scratch the surface of what significance it all held. I only hope, as they loom above me as a nebulous mixture of maxims and ellipses, that time will unfold the truths the experiences of this past year hold.
Walking along the beach:
There’s a special quality about the ocean—its roaring waves fill the ears until there is an encompassing silence. The silence transmits through the nerves and seems to transfuse the entire body, allowing only the echoes of one’s voice within to reverberate in the silence that surrounds. I’m reminded of my transiency and all of the simple pleasures I desire—reminded that I control my personal destiny (at least measurably in comparison to everything else) and must trust myself to accomplish all the the dreams I envision for my life. Perhaps life is a journey about the fingerprints we leave on one another’s lives, but first I would like to have hands where the lines course deep and branch plentifully.
Being alone:
It hurts, and yet, it feels like the promising salve of medicine on my life. Rationally knowing a love is doomed, then accepting it in my heart and acting accordingly creates a relieving consistency—like I’m not lying to myself anymore and trying to juggle everything around the lie. I don’t know what happens next, but hopefully time will give reason to our shared paths. And if not, I'm thankful enough for the love we shared and the wonderful ways we expanded our horizons. On the flip side, I’ve met a handful of diamonds this past year (including you D), and I’m looking forward to the friendships that will continue on and bloom and the experiences life will bring in this new chapter of my life.
...I’ve missed the city… its stretches of sand and waves on the west, the park sprouting at its center, its warm and bustling cafes smattering the many neighborhoods with their colorful and eclectic inhabitants, and the richness of life that can be felt everywhere. Whenever I'm here, I get the overwhelming sense that I belong here. One day I'll call it home again...
www2.darringer.com:8080/chris/gallery/slideshow.php?set_albumName=sfo-ocean-beach
It’s been a long time since I last stopped and took a deep breath, and reflected. 2006 passed by in a blur—when I try to pinpoint one moment, it seems like a small drop in a massive rain of memories. Could I even remember them all if I wanted to? Or will they pop up sporadically in moments of deja vue? With everything that has happened, I feel as though I should have some tangible lessons in hand… a couple I am sure of, the rest I’m not so confident about. Being busy needs to have its limits—so much has happened, I can’t even scratch the surface of what significance it all held. I only hope, as they loom above me as a nebulous mixture of maxims and ellipses, that time will unfold the truths the experiences of this past year hold.
Walking along the beach:
There’s a special quality about the ocean—its roaring waves fill the ears until there is an encompassing silence. The silence transmits through the nerves and seems to transfuse the entire body, allowing only the echoes of one’s voice within to reverberate in the silence that surrounds. I’m reminded of my transiency and all of the simple pleasures I desire—reminded that I control my personal destiny (at least measurably in comparison to everything else) and must trust myself to accomplish all the the dreams I envision for my life. Perhaps life is a journey about the fingerprints we leave on one another’s lives, but first I would like to have hands where the lines course deep and branch plentifully.
Being alone:
It hurts, and yet, it feels like the promising salve of medicine on my life. Rationally knowing a love is doomed, then accepting it in my heart and acting accordingly creates a relieving consistency—like I’m not lying to myself anymore and trying to juggle everything around the lie. I don’t know what happens next, but hopefully time will give reason to our shared paths. And if not, I'm thankful enough for the love we shared and the wonderful ways we expanded our horizons. On the flip side, I’ve met a handful of diamonds this past year (including you D), and I’m looking forward to the friendships that will continue on and bloom and the experiences life will bring in this new chapter of my life.
...I’ve missed the city… its stretches of sand and waves on the west, the park sprouting at its center, its warm and bustling cafes smattering the many neighborhoods with their colorful and eclectic inhabitants, and the richness of life that can be felt everywhere. Whenever I'm here, I get the overwhelming sense that I belong here. One day I'll call it home again...
www2.darringer.com:8080/chris/gallery/slideshow.php?set_albumName=sfo-ocean-beach
1.25.2007
love
Love is a basic dimension of human experience that is variously conveyed as a sense of tender affection, an intense attraction, the foundation of intimacy and good interpersonal chemistry, willing self-sacrifice on behalf of another, and as an ineffable sense of affinity or connection to nature, other living beings, or even that which is unseen. It manifests itself in feelings, emotion, behavior, thoughts, perception and attitude. It influences, underlies and defines major patterns in interpersonal relationships and self-identification. [wiki]
Love is indescribable.
"If I know what love is, it is because of you". ~ Hermann Hesse
11.19.2006
11.14.2006
there are men and women out there, pushing themselves to their limits for something they believe in or desire. they risk their well-being and comfort for a cause and pursue it with the passion of a heart on fire. the rest of us never forget them or their cause.
where is my fire? my heart feels weary and tepid. i wallow in self-pity at the first sign of hardship and failure, and seek escape more than anything else.
i long for a passion that is unwavering, that burns and fuels sustained energy for my goals and visions. my dreams of medicine wake me and remind me of why i'm in this field. on the other hand, i am starting to see the comfort of companionship and family. how do you reconcile visions of greatness with those of domesticity? are they reconcilable? is a compromise just that? disappointing in its indecision and lack of commitment. choose one. pick one. pursue one. and do it with excellence.
"All you need is already within you, only you must approach your self with reverence and love. Self-condemnation and self-distrust are grievous errors. Your constant flight from pain and search for pleasure is a sign of love you bear for your self, all I plead with you is this: make love of your self perfect. Deny yourself nothing -- glue your self to infinity and eternity and discover that you do not need them; you are beyond." ~ Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
where is my fire? my heart feels weary and tepid. i wallow in self-pity at the first sign of hardship and failure, and seek escape more than anything else.
i long for a passion that is unwavering, that burns and fuels sustained energy for my goals and visions. my dreams of medicine wake me and remind me of why i'm in this field. on the other hand, i am starting to see the comfort of companionship and family. how do you reconcile visions of greatness with those of domesticity? are they reconcilable? is a compromise just that? disappointing in its indecision and lack of commitment. choose one. pick one. pursue one. and do it with excellence.
"All you need is already within you, only you must approach your self with reverence and love. Self-condemnation and self-distrust are grievous errors. Your constant flight from pain and search for pleasure is a sign of love you bear for your self, all I plead with you is this: make love of your self perfect. Deny yourself nothing -- glue your self to infinity and eternity and discover that you do not need them; you are beyond." ~ Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
11.02.2006
my heart's so fickle and emotions so tumultuous, i'm afraid to record a feeling that may not last or may easily warp into something else, but i'm hoping that this feeling i have for you right now, of utmost appreciation for your presence in my life and for who you are, will endure all of the ups and downs of our now intertwined lives and end up "happily ever after."
10.29.2006
10.14.2006
9.25.2006
9.17.2006
today marks david and my three month anniversary together. never thought we'd make it to this point, but i suppose a number of factors have propelled us forward past our incongruities and disputes. some of those factors would include countless moments of laughter and mutual support, but mostly, david's steadfast belief that our relationship is worth an inordinate amount of effort, patience, and sacrifice. he's given me a strong shoulder to lean on and even more so, a hand that leads. i, unconsciously, have found myself in a place of complacence--which brings just what it should: comfortable and easy happiness. i find it both pleasing and displeasing. it's easy to be led, but i would much rather be the flame that dies within its own force than the moth that withers from its heat. this complacency has its roots in more than our relationship; it began when i realized the extent of my power as an individual, as well as the far-reaching power of emulation. i decided to live out my own life to the fullest without any apologies, but it has become a fine line to tread because an egocentric life can easily lapse into a nuclear one--it's the difference between making a mark on this world and finding a place in this world. the former drives my philanthropic goals, while the latter makes me want to shut out all of the strife and controversy in this world and hide in a bubble of complacency. complacency. contentment.
9.05.2006
it's been a long month. feels like i've always been in med school, like this daily deficiency in sleep and feelings of academic inadequacy didn't start just 4 weeks ago. each day we go through an obscene amount of material; all information we should know for our future profession. there's never a satisfactory point where i feel like there's nothing more i can study on the material. it's an unending pursuit of knowledge. and lots of it.
but of course, i'm only focusing on the negatives as usual. i wouldn't trade all of this for anything in the world. every moment, i know that what i'm learning has a very clear and direct purpose--to train me to become a competent physician. the muscles and nerves we memorize, the cellular aberrations and stains we have to distinguish, and the human sensitivities we're tuned to; they elicit our fascination and further inquiry because we know now it's not about grades, but about people's lives.
amongst my classmates, i've met the most amazing people--people who do it all and still have time for more. people i respect and admire for their vision, determination, and will to follow through. and then again for their openness, their talents, and their energy.
i wish i could capture the experience thus far, but i've always been terrible with details so i'll have to leave it at these sweeping statements. plus, a little sleep wouldn't hurt me right now.
happy september~
but of course, i'm only focusing on the negatives as usual. i wouldn't trade all of this for anything in the world. every moment, i know that what i'm learning has a very clear and direct purpose--to train me to become a competent physician. the muscles and nerves we memorize, the cellular aberrations and stains we have to distinguish, and the human sensitivities we're tuned to; they elicit our fascination and further inquiry because we know now it's not about grades, but about people's lives.
amongst my classmates, i've met the most amazing people--people who do it all and still have time for more. people i respect and admire for their vision, determination, and will to follow through. and then again for their openness, their talents, and their energy.
i wish i could capture the experience thus far, but i've always been terrible with details so i'll have to leave it at these sweeping statements. plus, a little sleep wouldn't hurt me right now.
happy september~
7.31.2006
7.09.2006
where would we be without *yelp*?
yelp, how i luv thee and thy delicious recommendations!
www.yelp.com
heavenly sf breakfasts:
[dottie's true blue cafe] sweet potater muffins, cornmeal blueberry pancakes, craZY omelettes
[zazzie's] eggs benedict with hollandaise you wanna lick off your plate
[townsend] oMG. mouth-watering muffins and scones to your heart's content. grilled polenta grilled polenta grilled polenta. perfectly prepared everything.
[art's cafe] korean-owned breakfast joint with fresh hearty portions and the cutest hole in the wall spot on irving.
oh belly belly burgeoning belly.
yelp, how i luv thee and thy delicious recommendations!
www.yelp.com
heavenly sf breakfasts:
[dottie's true blue cafe] sweet potater muffins, cornmeal blueberry pancakes, craZY omelettes
[zazzie's] eggs benedict with hollandaise you wanna lick off your plate
[townsend] oMG. mouth-watering muffins and scones to your heart's content. grilled polenta grilled polenta grilled polenta. perfectly prepared everything.
[art's cafe] korean-owned breakfast joint with fresh hearty portions and the cutest hole in the wall spot on irving.
oh belly belly burgeoning belly.
6.14.2006
picture update. i've been sO lazy....... katie's bday was a blast (and was a loonng time ago), mom's day (also a while ago), sister's bday at eulipia passed photoless, lots of eating and sightseeing with d, (& arlene & nick & me cuz) also passed photoless, seeing my homegirls and ddongseng, and coming up... sister's graduation O_o, me 24th (time for another tatt?), and papi's day! as for the lines in b/w...? jus keepin on. ^________^
6.12.2006
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