Fucking Fate
Turning time into a terrible weapon
Twisting around my sense of existence
Squeezing tears out of raw wounds that don’t heal
Future and past tangled up in loss
Potential, Truth ,Terror
Tears drowning my aching spirit
Fighting for breath
For hope
For justice
Suffocating under the weight of
Confusion , Denial, Betrayal
Gasping for a breath of
Acceptance
Stinging my mind
But soothing my soul
Don’t go!
Don’t go!
Don’t go!
You can’t leave now
I don’t know how
To assimilate this information
Into my day to day fucking life
Unmake this pain
That consumes my perception
Please tell me
It isn’t fate
To lose the ones you love
Before they have time to truly live.
-A.B.

We'll miss you Damon.

bittersweet

so this is how it ends. knowing we would never work, but wishing we could. bittersweet.

i've always known i was ocd, but i was never fully aware of how big a control freak i am. having everything fall out of my grasp, unable to really affect the circumstances in my life, losing control of my structured life... it sends me plummeting into confusion, depression, frustration, helplessness. ending up somewhere i didn't envision or expect couldn't be more jarring. i finally get why the unexpected (especially the bad or inconvenient turn of events) affects me the way it does (in horrible horrible ways)--i'm a control freak.

i like figuring out what i want from life--having a picture of the things i want to accomplish before it's all over. then, i like to check each one off, experience by experience. get a tattoo, travel to africa, sponsor a kid, own a motorcycle, etc... i HATE HATE HATE it when things happen to throw me off my grand plan.

but i find ways to cope, adapt, and keep on keepin' on. i guess i'll never learn. i like CONTROL. i LOVE control. i NEED control. but i need to learn to deal better when i lose it. take baby steps.

it's just hit me that i'll be in sacramento almost up to my thirtieth birthday. it's time for me to establish this as my home: build a list of favorite hangouts, some running spots with a view, a solid circle of friends, and the beginnings of a family and a career. my life is here, and it can't be put on hold any longer. carpe diem.

robin thicke is a delicious treat to my ears.

"both sides now..."
[joni mitchell]

lemonade. need to make me some of that.